fucking whatever.
I did it
It's done
I did what I was supposed to do
I'm here
So why do I still feel trapped? Why do I struggle to get my thoughts and emotions in order? I can't even put a name on what I'm going through. Depression? Anxiety? What?
I was in the gifted program as a kid, and I used it as an excuse to justify my bullshit. I was always out to prove how smart I was until I landed in a depression. I was 13, and it was already too much. I stopped doing anything, and I was finally happy.
Until I wasn't. I had to do more. I was wasting my life. I had to be perfect, just not an asshole. And I tried my best. But I was having panic attacks, except I didn't know what they were. I just knew that it felt like I was dieing. And I wish I did sometimes.
15 to mid twenties, and this anxiety never let up. Always on to the next thing.
I graduated high
I got married
I got my bachelor's degree
I got a good job writing software
I got my masters
I still fucking hate it.
fucking whatever.